My Inner Child

Mark 10:14-16 (Christian Standard Bible)

^“14When Jesus saw it, he was indignant and said to them, “Let the little children come to me. Don’t stop them, because the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. ¹⁵Truly I tell you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.” ¹⁶After taking them in his arms, he laid his hands on them and blessed them.”

I’ve spent a lot of my life very immature. I find most things funny and laugh at the most awkward times. You can blame it on the slight Autism, I guess. My mental illnesses have never let me lose sight of who I am. I grew up not understanding most of the people around me, especially adults. I was, in my own opinion, stupid. I was raised in an extremely abusive home which left me with multiple mental health symptoms and diagnoses. So being a “kid at heart” takes on a whole different meaning.

I was that kid that couldn’t do anything right. I was abused by much of my family. If not physically, it was done mentally. I was called bad, so I acted bad. It wasn’t just in the home I grew up in, it happened everywhere. It’s like the world around me hated me for no reason and I couldn’t understand why. I was abused by teachers, family friends, even children my own age. I was sexually abused. I still don’t get it…

When you grow up in a house where God is not honored the demons have their way. The demons had their way with our whole family. We still suffer for it till this day, and I am forty-four years old. I have one brother in jail for 103 years. My other brother doesn’t know how to love or treat people.

We grew up in a household of violence. One parent was addicted to substances. The other was severely physically abused almost daily. The bad seems to outweigh the good. My inner child is fragile and damaged. Being a kid at heart takes on another meaning for me, other than being playful or learning. I survived! I’m living proof that Jesus is real.

When I called out to Jesus with sincerity, things changed. And it wasn’t until I was grown that I got my senses, clarity, and understanding. I was dumb for most of my life. Being a kid at heart now means opening the door for “little Joseph” and letting him out to play. I have to reassure my inner child that things are okay now. He doesn’t have to fear anymore.